Gum on the bottom of a shoe

Not much time to write over the last few days and I've missed it. What was that promise I made?? To write every day.

So, today I am pondering my career path. As I do quite frequently. As most of you know, I've been a general music teacher for 12 years now. It's been a very successful run and I believe I've played a part in many children's lives over the years. Some have even gone on to pursue music or theater as a result of the seeds that I have planted in their elementary years. Go me! (hey, I deserve it!)

However, there is that little part in the back of my brain that always tells me about other avenues. Sometimes I feel that teaching isn't the true me. It feels like an act, like I step into an alter ego that doesn't match my real nature. While I must be a terrific actress, some days I wonder if I am doing myself a disservice. Those who know me know that I am a quiet person, sensitive at heart and I avoid confrontation. I like doing quiet jobs, like writing or even boring jobs like data entry or repetitive physical work. I feel at peace doing work by myself. In teaching, it's never peaceful, it's quite political, and it's never redundant.

So, here's my dilemma....having a degree in music education is very limiting. It's even more limiting when your Master's degree is also music education. I don't have computer training. Never taken a writing course or followed through on the things that interest me. Why, you ask? Of course, the first and most obvious reason is money. I feel stuck. Teachers don't make money, but you don't go into teaching to make money, period. I don't have the money to go back to school, even for a class or two. I don't have a lot of extra time to take classes with two boys and a husband who works his tail off to help our budget. I am afraid to pursue something and make less money than I do now, even if I enjoy it more.

Secondly, my own mind is my worst enemy. Suppose I leave teaching, find something else to do and hate it? Or I am not successful? What then?

Finally, teaching is the noble profession that isn't a profession. We aren't treated like professionals (at least here). Putting my two boys in daycare full time and making next to nothing for someone else to raise my children. This year, we are pinching because my husband wants me to be home with the boys for some extra time. We cannot afford this. I am so thankful to be able to see my little ones grow. The cost of this luxury is financially and emotionally draining. Our healthcare costs are outrageous. This honestly makes me regret becoming a teacher and it saddens me to even think that thought.

I want to work hard and love what I do. I want to come home at night and play with my boys and not have work to do in the evening. But, now I am losing sight of myself and what I need professionally. I want to be challenged and fulfilled. I feel empty career-wise. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I can afford to change it. My husband and I both comment that we lose the enjoyment of music itself because we teach it all day long. Coming home to practice seems like a chore when you've been doing that all day long! So, do we love music less? No, but it sure seems that way.

Do I feel envious of others who are more successful or chose a more lucrative path? Not really. I am harder on myself because I knew I had other options but I chose this one. Why blame someone else?

I've read all the career books and taken all the tests. I know what jobs I should be doing that fit my personality. But I feel stuck like gum on the bottom of a shoe, I just cannot seem to move.