We all suffer difficult friendships and encounter confrontation. It's hard enough when it's yourself.
Tonight, after putting my sons to bed, I hear weeping and talking from the room. Ian comes out in tears, needing his clock to see what time it will be "when I can come home to play with Mommy."
I tuck him back into bed (alarm clock in place and visible to him) and he begins weeping.
"Mommy, nobody wants to play with me. None of my friends want to listen to me. I ask them to play but they just ignore me or they don't want to play with me. " Enter more sobbing tears.
Besides trying to not cry myself, he talks more about how two of his daycare friends will play with him, but the others won't. The realities of life are awakening at age 4. Sadly, this isn't the first time that he has cried over friends, and sadly, it will not be the last.
Ian isn't much for chaos and rambunctious play. He likes to be the organizer, the rule giver and most times, he has a long-winded approach. Young boys at age 4 who thrive on active, imaginative play leave him in the dust. Or he finds kids (usually older kids or adults) who like more organized games. But he wants the rambunctious kids to conform and it probably will not happen. Especially at age 4.
On the other hand, he has a gentle heart. A few kids test out mean words or phrases and he takes them all in and holds onto them until bedtime. He explains that "his heart is all broken into pieces now". So, not only do I have to sweep up his pieces and help him put them back together, I now have to fix my own heart too.
We talk about how to deal with mean words that hurt and how to be strong. How to ignore and choose to play with those who are our friends. How to protect your heart by being strong. We test out a few phrases to say to those who speak mean or angry words. We talk about when it's time to ask a grownup for help. We talk about how some friends aren't being mean, they just really want to play instead of listen. We talk about the good friends he does have. (by the way, Uncle Mike, Cousin Sam and Trevor made this list)
Our next-door neighbor kids invited Ian over this afternoon to play. Then, they came over to our house, played in the backyard, watched a movie and had a wonderful time. They have come over looking for Ian every day this week. They asked if he would be home tomorrow. I talked to Ian about that and he agreed that it was nice to have friends who love to come and see him.
He is now busy "putting his heart back together" by looking at his new Lego catalog with his nightlight. I still hear him sniffling in there.
Now, I need to figure out how I will put my heart back together and learn how to guide him through this. (probably for the next fourteen years or more!) Unfortunately, we all go through this and maybe that's how we become who we are. But no one told me how much it hurts to see your child endure this, especially one with a gentle and good heart.
8 comments:
awwwww
He can come over and play with us!
Anytime.
Bless his heart. I will pray that the Lord will help his heart heal
XOXOXOX to your son,
Donna
It is so much harder to watch your child be hurt than to be hurt yourself. Hate to say it, but it's even harder when they are 17 or so and in college a couple of hundred miles away, and you're sitting helpless on the other end of the phone. - But when the are four and so innocent it's terrible. I'll say a prayer for both of you.
Oh, you are breaking my heart! I'd love to come out and play!! Kids are so mean. I just don't understand.
I'm so happy he had some nice friends to play with.
The photo - sniff, sniff.
I have it on good authority that Uncle Michael and cousin sam will always play with him-- and you can tell him aunt terri will too.
I am glad the neighbor friends are working out.
Aw, I feel like my heart is broken in pieces too but I also feel so blessed to have a window on your children and your awesome parenting. I can so relate to the tenderness of Ian's heart and how big it is. I really hope you think about putting some of these essays into a book. I think so many parents (and non parents) would relate to them and be healed by them.
I've mentioned this before - Ian sounds a lot like Jeffrey was at his age.
and so I bring good news
the quiet, organized boy will find it harder to find friends but once found the friends will be forever
and his personality will make him very popular with the girls - more than half of Jeffrey's friends from junior high on were girls.
and then as a man his good heart will win him the love and devotion of all children who are like he was at their age and he will one day be an awesome Dad.
the circle takes forever and is often hard to survive but there are such rewards ...
Oh boy - This post broke my heart into pieces. Ugh... it is SO hard to see people suffer, but it's especially hard to see it in children. You so want them to never be hurt, but you also know that's not possible. And you know hurts help them grow too, but it's one of the hardest things we have to do as human beings, except when we have to watch it in those we love.
Dianne - I love what you wrote and I thank you for posting it. Ian reminds me so much of his dad.... having know Tom since birth, I had the privilege of watching him grow into a wonderful man and father with his heart and his compassion intact, and I think his son will follow in his footsteps with such a wonderful example.
hugs Aunt Sooooz :)
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