Autism Awareness Day 11: The Great Vaccine Debate

This picture was taken in the end of July 2007, following our trip to New York and a few days after Connor's MMR shot. Yes, I am going to bring up the shot.

Notice the look on my son's face. As adorable as he is, cheeks begging to be pinched and all, he looks very melancholy and quiet. Connor, almost overnight, seemed to be in his own world. We'd call his name and he wouldn't even look at us. My husband would clap loudly right in his ear and Connor would not even flinch, let alone look at us. (meanwhile, Ian would be clapping furiously, showing us that he did, in fact, hear us) One night, Tom and I had put the boys to bed and were talking casually. We both seemed to bring up the fact that Connor appeared not to hear us, acknowledge us with eye contact or turning when calling his name. It seemed almost eerie. Once we concluded that something was amiss, we made our best guess and figured Connor had some hearing loss issues. I even told my mother-in-law and she responded by encouraging us to visit the pediatrician to have him evaluated to be sure.

Thomas, in the meanwhile, did some mini-experiments with Connor. We knew he enjoyed snacks and so Tom would open the fridge and get some juice or loudly take out a box of Goldfish. Connor, from the other end of the house, would come in, snack radar intact. He tried another experiment with the television, putting Connor in his room in the far end of the house. Tom muted the TV volume, but turned the set on. Connor, as if on cue, came from his room, directly to the TV. That raised a few questions, but as always, you figure the hearing loss is maybe one ear and not the other-on and on.

I also spoke to our daycare provider, Alexis, who confirmed that Connor did seem different. She noticed that he turned his head away from her on the diaper table and did not respond to any of her conversation in any way. We all acknowledged that Connor seemed to be more difficult at times-either screaming and crying or completely disinterested in what was going on around him.

Visiting our pediatrician was the turning point. Dr. Mike is excellent. He has talked to us about vaccines before and believe it or not, we did question giving the vaccines back when Ian was younger. He stated that there was no proof that vaccines cause autism and we listened and didn't have further reason to research on our own. Ian was completely fine following his shots, so we didn't really question Connor's MMR shot.

Dr. Mike had asked us a few questions about Connor during our July visit-how many words does Connor say? I came up with two. Connor didn't really point or gesture. Connor doesn't really talk very much yet but he knows shoe and can go get it. He received his MMR shot and we were done.

Now we were back in August, worried about hearing loss. Dr. Mike sat quietly watching Connor for a bit, then dropped a huge textbook on the floor next to him. No reaction. (I jumped.) He talked to Connor for a bit and asked more questions. More about pointing. No, he doesn't point. More about words. Well, it seems like all the words, all two of them, seem to be gone. It's like he doesn't know them anymore. More about eye contact. No, no eye contact. I told him all of our accounts and experiments and how we'd like to check his hearing.

Dr. Mike told us that while hearing loss was entirely possible and he would recommend Connor for an evaluation; that didn't appear to be the problem. What appears to be the problem was that Connor was not communicating and showing shows of autism. I admit that I was stunned when he said autism. It was the furthest thing from my mind. It was like someone just slapped me in the face and woke me up. He explained autism and told us that he treats several patients with autism. He reassured us that these children are great kids, just sometimes a "little quirky." He let us ask questions. He spent probably a good half hour with us, making no move to rush us out or anything. He talked us through the application for early intervention and encouraged us to get moving on it. He told us how many children are successful with early intervention and how they can regain what they have lost. He also told us that he noticed some lack of eye contact in Connor before the MMR shot in July and because we did give indication that he was building some vocabulary, he didn't find enough cause for concern. We left a bit bewildered.

Thomas had an idea that it might be autism. He didn't voice it to me. My mother-in-law also had that thought, but again, they waited to see. I didn't know. I remember going back to pick up Ian and talking to Alexis about Connor's visit and just crying. I didn't know what to think.

Connor's hearing evaluation was completely normal. We had a chance to read about autism and suddenly we saw it. On the official evaluation day, when the two doctors diagnosed him-we knew it was right. It didn't make it any better, but again, making peace with autism didn't come overnight.

Many of my friends ask me about the MMR vaccine, knowing about Connor and his timeline. Some even ask me, as if I am some authority, whether they should or should not vaccinate. Whether they should split the shot or not. Do I believe it causes autism? What do I believe?

I believe in vaccinations. I do. I'd even vaccinate Connor again. BUT....I would not give him the vaccine in one mega-dose. I would space out the shot over a period of time. Whether that would help or not, I don't know. Honestly, I don't think it would change a thing. But, my time for choice has passed and to look back with regrets over what I should have done will suffocate me emotionally. I refuse to live with that on my shoulders. Truthfully, I think autism was here from day one anyway.

I do believe that my son somehow is genetically predisposed to being affected by autism and perhaps the amount of the vaccine is more than his body chemistry can handle and exacerbated the symptoms. Nothing scientific backs that up. Nothing. Perhaps it is coincidental that the vaccine and regression seemed to line up. Many families also note that the timing of the MMR and noticeable signs of autism do appear linked. Somewhere in my mind, I wonder about that. But you also have to know that in my heart of hearts, I think Connor was showing signs from day 1. Sensory problems were all there in infancy. I see them now that I am in the know.

I also believe that there is a definite heredity link in autism and that fact is more and more apparent to me, not only in my own family, but in other families who have multiple children and even parents affected by autism. I believe that if I have another child (and the shop IS closed), his/her chances of having autism are greatly increased.
Dr. Mike gave us the best advice. Don't focus on why Connor has autism. We don't have time for that now. Keep focused on the now, on the present and move forward with helping him in his life now.

Some might be critical that I am not doing all that I can to figure out the whys. When you want to live in my shoes and do my job for me, let me know. I am not a scientist and I don't have any idea why autism is on the rise or why my youngest son has it but the older one doesn't. I can speculate but that doesn't make me right. I don't make decisions for other moms, but I'll support them and give them my story, but I will not tell them they are right or wrong, only what I know is true for me.

And that is my one and only post on vaccines. And that picture up above is one of my very favorites of my son because he is just so innocently beautiful to me, no matter what.