I am about to say something that is usually the opposite of what I do. Children deserve our very best attention, our best efforts whether they have autism or not. Parents who deal with autism spend a lot of time researching, writing, shuttling kids here and there, advocating and learning. Parents of ALL children also spend a lot of time researching, shuttling kids here and there, advocating and learning. We are all parents just the same.
Parents need to take care of themselves and remember their other life roles. They need to maintain healthy relationships with friends, family and work on marriage - not just parenting. What hard work that is. To carve out time for work (we work multiple jobs too) , therapy for Connor, time for Ian, time for both kids, time as a family, time as a couple, time for yourself, time to get the house in order, time to sleep.....seriously, I read the statistic on autism and divorce as being something like 80 percent. No wonder. Who has time to maintain semblance of a balanced life?
Well, Thomas and I have worked hard to get some of our time back. We try very hard to set aside 15 minutes of time for each other each day. Even that is difficult. I am not kidding.
Over the last few days, I have been feeling unusually fatigued and while I promise that I am working on the medical reasons.....I am finally seeing how truly exhausted I am. How almost everything in my life is suffering as a result of this bone-deep weariness. It's time to take care of myself too. Something that I find incredibly difficult-I need to be the one up and going, cleaning and caring, running and doing. Whatever ailment my body is handing me, it is forcing me to slow down so I can do a better job of being fully present when it's time for my boys and my husband.
I know a lot of mothers who are just like me-they place their children and husbands, work and all ahead of themselves. We probably figure once that's all taken care of, we'll find a moment for ourselves. And the truth is that if we wait and wait for that moment, it probably will not come. Learning to ask for a night off or taking an extra hour after work for a pedicure isn't the worst thing in the world, but it can be a huge guilt-ridden anxiety issue for some moms. For me, acknowledging that I probably should visit the doctor took some time to sink in. Good grief, even arranging a date night can feel terrible! Ahh!
Anyway, I am hoping that all of the moms and grandmothers and fathers -autism or not- remember to treat yourself to some time alone. Don't read an autism book, don't do the dishes. Get a cup of coffee and sit and talk to your spouse or friend. Paint your toes some cute color. Go for a hike or a bike ride and get some fresh air.
Slow down and enjoy a moment so that when you go back to those beautiful children, you feel ready to give them all that you possibly can give.
This post is mostly for myself-but I would venture to guess that there are a few faces out there who can totally relate.
Please, please-visit the following friends who are blogging for autism-leave a comment if you have a moment too. It's what I am off to do next....
Raven: This post was astounding. Read all of the comments too.
Casdok: The controversy of the puzzle piece representing autism-I loved her thoughts and it's very informative reading.
Jeni: Sharing her journey with her two grandchildren-she is walking on April 12th for autism too. Amazing!
Laura: She is writing about Matt, her son and also providing a wealth of research on autism. I am learning a tremendous amount from her. You have to stop by and look at his picture-what a handsome guy.
10 comments:
Yes, please make sure you take care of yourself. It REALLY is important.
I was a busy mom when my boys were little, working full time and sometimes traveling. I didn't really take much time for myself and now regret that I missed the 30's years.
I can't imagine what your life is like dealing with and learnign about autism while trying to be a mom, wife, etc., etc.
Is it possible for you to think about having someone in to clean? You need YOU time. Take a breather!
Linda: I just love your posts! I have my grandson, whom his parents have spent many years with his disability. It has been difficult for them as well, but their marriage has survived and my grandson is now twenty years old I know with your strength and love for Connor you will also survive and grow even stronger. You need to take care of yourself, take time for yourself. I do so admire you!
Excellent post. I hope that you'll be feeling better soon and that you will listen to your own advice. It has to be very hard to find "me" time with all that you have on your shoulders, but it's profoundly important. I know for me emotional stress can feel like it has sapped all the energy in the world out of me. I'm guessing that you are highly empathic and you might want to notice if you become extra tired/sad/etc. around specific people. I know when I was younger before I understood what was happening, I'd be fine one minute and suddenly tired or sad or... the next for no reason that I could figure out. I do hope you'll think about getting attuned to reiki. I think it would be of service to you on many levels.
Whether you believe in this kind of thing or not, I recommend emailing this guy - his name is Dennis Puffet - and I think his awesome. He works for free, so there's nothing to lose: http://www.healinghaven.com.au/MessageofHope.htm
Sorry. Didn't mean to be rambling on so. Thanks for your kind words about my post.
Very sound and important advice.
So, when are you bringing the boys over so you can have some time with Tom or just for you? Let me know.
I am so proud of you and I'm really glad you learned this lesson now. It took me many years to learn to take care of my self. If you are not in a good place you can't take care of anyone or anything. I hope you take Cindy up on her offer or get a sitter and go out with my very special son. (You are so special too. I love you.)
To echo Cindy... So when am I taking the boys so you can go out with your friends? I have already asked you many times this week so I am now announcing it publicly. I will also take the boys out somewhere so you can have the house to yourself. We need to add official "Linda's Time" to the family schedule. If it's on the schedule, they you have to do it!
T
Put it on the schedule as the wonderful Thomas says to.
I wish I was close by - I'd take you for a pedicure if you promised not to laugh at my feet.
Hugs little girl, hugs.
Thomas, you are a good man. You and the magnificent Linda are well matched.
Please, follow the signs your body is giving you and see a doctor! Stress can do lots of strange things to us from creating depression to causing physical ailments too so don't put that on the back burner. I did that for years and now -well, I'm paying the consequences for my actions -or inactions is more accurate.
Very good post, quite timely too on many levels. Now, at least take Thomas up on his offer, for openers. I just admire him -and you -so much for having a great open and loving relationship.
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